Years ago, I was helping a UCLA colleague set up for a very important presentation. As he welcomed guests into the meeting room, my initial excitement turned into frustration because I couldn’t get the two slide projectors focused correctly on the two screens in the front of the room (yes, slide projectors… it was a long time ago). Just before the presentation was about to begin, and as my frustration boiled into silent anger, one of the guests whispered to me that the side-by-side projectors were actually focused on opposite screens.
I had been trying to focus one projector while looking at the other’s screen. I felt like an idiot. I realized that I did not have the emotion of anger — it had me!
Do you have emotions… OR do they have you?
Emotions flow from the neurotransmitters of your brain’s limbic system, sometimes referred to in evolutionary terms as your reptilian brain. It’s the seat of feelings, impulses, and drives. It’s also home to our fight-or-flight mechanism, which is why our limbic system seizes our brain under stress. Our copilot, the analytical neocortex — the rational thinking portion of our brain — is often gagged and bound when the heat is on. That’s why thinking clearly under pressure is so hard for so many. (1)
To improve your capacity to regulate your emotions, you need to train your reptilian brain. Listening to lectures or reading articles (including this article) seldom enhances emotional intelligence because the learning doesn’t involve training limbic system.
Consider the case of a CEO of a billion-dollar company, who I interviewed about the emotional growth of one of his executives. The CEO stated that his executive was “a different guy” because of the dramatic improvements the executive had made during my coaching. The CEO asked me how I did it.
My ego wanted to tell him that my weekly coaching sessions made the big difference. Instead, I told the CEO that I had recruited a few of the executive’s peers and direct reports to be part of the coaching process. Thus, the executive’s own inner circle provided timely, frequent, and accurate feedback in the trenches.
Leadership coaching is most successful when it involves the limbic system in progressive practice under real conditions. This is one way I help executives learn to hug their reptilian brain when stressed. How can you surround yourself with people committed to your growth?
Answering the following questions when the heat is on is another way to manage your emotions:
- What are you feeling physically and emotionally?
- Where is that feeling coming from … really?
- What does it make you want to do?
- What will happen (short and long-term) if you do that?
- What do you want to achieve in this situation?
- Who can help you brainstorm options to reach your goal?
- Which option delivers the greatest good?
How well do you lead when stressed? Do you manage the tension between your rational and emotional brain? If so, how? Let me know, I’d love to hear your tips.
Keep stretching when you’re pulled,
Dave
- John Mayer, Richard Roberts, and Sigal Barsade, Human Abilities: Emotional Intelligence, Annual Review of Psychology, 59 (2008).
Dave Jensen helps leaders manage ambiguity, gain buy-in to any change, improve decision-making, and achieve difficult goals in today’s complex, competitive, and conflicting environment. For a FREE Chapter or to purchase his newly released groundbreaking book that helps executives and managers develop business-boosting skills, The Executive’s Paradox – How to Stretch When You’re Pulled by Opposing Demands, visit http://davejensenonleadership.com/
