Several years ago, I had dinner with two friends to discuss a major career decision. As soon as they started asking difficult questions about my assumptions and thinking
process, I became defensive. I feigned openness to their caring criticism, but internally I shut down.
It’s taken me years to realize that I went into the meeting wanting them to confirm my decision, not discuss it. To make matters worse, they were right to be skeptical. My decision turned out to be a disaster that cost years of blood, sweat, and tears.
A recent survey of human resource executives reported that 63% felt that their managers’ inability to have difficult conversation was their biggest performance management problem. (1)
How open are you to criticism when it clashes with your perspective? How skilled are you in giving difficult feedback so the receiver actually hears it?
To minimize a negative reaction, it is helpful to understand the three emotional hot buttons that tend to trigger our defensiveness, thereby causing us to reject the feedback.
1. Truth button. If we immediately interpret the content of feedback as inaccurate, we reject it faster than you can shout, “It’s a lie!”
2. Relationship button. If we have emotional issues with the person giving us feedback, our receptivity shuts down as our brains’ scream, “What does HE know?”
3. Identity button. When feedback challenges a perception we have of ourselves, we confront the mirror, “You, talking to ME?”
How do you handle your three buttons? (The buttons are yours.) When your truth or identity button is pushed, put a little distance between you and any reaction. Refuse to be pulled into any discussion about the facts when you’re emotional. Write down what these supposed “facts” are and revisit them later. When you’re feeling less emotional, instead of rejecting their data outright, become curious about where their data comes from.
If your relationship button gets pushed, separate the “WHO” from the “WHAT” of feedback, as the warrior does…
The road weary warrior approached the meditating master and demanded, “Teach me the difference between heaven and hell.”
“You’re an ignorant soldier who is too blind to see the truth,” replied the master without opening his eyes.
The enraged warrior raised his assault weapon to kill the calm master, who merely replied, “That is hell.”
The warrior’s eyes widened. The blood drained from his face as he put down his weapon.
“That is heaven,” smiled the meditating master.
The Greek philosopher Epictetus pointed out 2,000 years ago that, “Any person capable of angering you becomes your master…”
If I had taken full responsibility for my own three buttons several years ago, maybe I would have been more open to my friends’ criticism and made a better career decision. Perhaps that is now true for you. (By the way, now that you know how to take criticism, you have clues on how to give it so others can truly hear it.)
Keep stretching when you’re pulled,
Dave
1. Harvard Business Review, January – February 2014, 109 – 111.
Dave Jensen helps leaders manage ambiguity, gain buy-in to any change, improve decision-making, and achieve difficult goals in today’s complex, competitive, and conflicting environment. For a FREE Chapter or to purchase his newly released groundbreaking book that helps executives and managers develop business-boosting skills, The Executive’s Paradox – How to Stretch When You’re Pulled by Opposing Demands, visit http://davejensenonleadership.com/
Dave, In my last “real job” before professional speaking, I worked for a man who loved meetings. LOVED meetings. He would call a meeting (always at HIS office) which we were obliged to attend. “I asked you here because I wanted to get your take on something I want to do.” Which was nonsense. We knew it because once he asked his question, he would take the next 45 minutes answering it himself. And we would remain at the conference table until we said, “Good idea. You should go ahead as you planned.”
He was a good man, smart guy, but he had no interest in our input at all. Consequently, he never got the benefit of our experience and knowledge since these can’t be applied without accepting alternatives to what he already thought. So we quickly learned to give him what he wanted, which was Nothing New/Only Agreement.
http://www.Steve-Stewart.com
Hi Steve,
Great to hear from you.
I know the type of boss you’re talking about. I worked for one too. Leaders who are not open to feedback or contrary opinions rarely develop from good to great leaders. Plus, their really good employees often leave because the boss doesn’t listen.
Thanks for touching base,
Dave Jensen